Growing up I found my self-esteem in playing basketball. At a very young age, I began playing basketball. Because of my height, I became very valuable to my team. I found myself working very hard on a day-to-day basis to be the best player I could be. Thirteen years later, I graduated from college and no longer had organized basketball to identify myself– to set me apart from the rest. I found myself falling into a depressed state searching for who I was and what I wanted to be as an adult. The quest for my self-esteem led me on a journey to what I thought was true health and wellness.
My Pursuit for Self-Esteem through Fitness
The desire to strive for perfection was still in me, but I no longer knew what direction to move toward, so I decided to join a local gym. I began to discover a new type of workout. My goals changed; I no longer was training for speed, quickness, agility, and shooting form. I was seeking bodily perfection. Imperfections I had ignored were now glowing in the mirror. I thought this would increase my self-confidence and boost how I felt about myself. I began lifting very heavy weights and doing hours and hours of cardio each day. I started my day at 4:00 a.m. and found myself again in the gym in the evenings striving to sculpt every curve to perfection. I wanted to create a masterpiece. I was doing my very best to shred away every ounce of fat from my body. After all, the better I looked the better I felt about myself. My new goal was to compete in a body-building competition. Watching how bodybuilders transformed their bodies weeks after weeks of training gave me hope; that if I could transform my body, my life would be so much better. I followed all the guidelines given to me by my fellow gym buddies and 8 times Ms. Olympia. For the most part, my body responded as it should have to the training until one day I went to the doctor. Bad news put a halt on my goals. My heart was healthy; my bones, muscles, and ligaments were doing good as well. The problem was with my skin. Three spots on my skin had given the dermatologist cause for concern. The suspicious spots needed to be removed immediately. I was no longer allowed to tan for the competition. The areas covered with stitches slowed down my training and took me out of the competition.
Overcoming the Mental Obstacles
Over the course of all the training in my life, be it for basketball or bodybuilding, I understood the physical aspect of training. However, over time I had discovered physical training was only a small part. It was mainly mental. It was now 12 years later from graduating from college, and I had never encountered such mental challenges in my life–obstacles that challenged the very core of who I thought I was. I had achieved great physical feats. I had pushed myself to physical limits and accepted most of the physical flaws I felt God had given me, but I don’t think my self-esteem had ever been challenged to the degree it was in the past 6 years.
As women, most of us want the attention of the opposite sex. We want to be appealing and pleasant to the eye to gain his attention, hopefully finding someone to share our lives with and grow old together. I found that wonderful husband God had given me. My dreams were coming true: a husband and hopefully a family with children to come. Six years later there were still no children to be born from my womb. Five miscarriages left scars both physically and emotionally. Now I began to define how I felt about myself and my self-worth through these challenges. Talk about rocking my self-esteem. This for me was hitting bottom. I thought “what was wrong with me”. “What have I done to deserve such pain?” Am I not a good enough wife? Negative thoughts began to flood my mind. I spent so many years being health conscious: not smoking, not drinking, not abusing my body and this is how my body repaid me. Why was I dealt this deck of cards? Why was it I who had to suffer this kind of loss? This battle was no longer in my body; it was now in my mind, a mental souvenir pointing to the scars on my body and reminding me of how my body had failed me. This body God had created had let me down over and over again.
The Lessons Learned
Quite often when we don’t know who we are and understand our purpose, we fall into pits of emotions which can lead to low self-esteem. Our thoughts and meditations control our actions. I had allowed my thoughts and feelings to shape my view of who I was and they affected my actions. In order to move forward and have positive growth in our lives, we must have a positive goal and/ or vision to focus our thoughts on. If the thoughts consuming our minds are negative, then our actions will also be in the same direction. Joshua 1:8 tells us to “keep this Book of the Law always on [our] lips; to meditate on it day and night, so that [we] may be careful to do everything written in it. Then [we] will be prosperous and successful.” God knew the battle of self-esteem would be in our minds and this is the first place Satan attacks when he seeks to destroy our self-esteem with lies and deceit about who we are and our worth. I had begun to believe the lies of my circumstances instead of trusting in who God told me I was. I was not relying on him to bring me through whatever circumstances I encountered. The Bible tells us Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy and that is exactly what we allow him to do to us when we believe his false accusations. Let us exercise our thought process and believe what God says to us: “The Spirit [we] received does not make you slaves, so that [we] live in fear again; rather, the Spirit [we] received brought about [our] adoption to sonship. And by him, we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children (Romans 8:15-16 NIV).” These are the thoughts we must have to have a healthy self-esteem and these have to be our meditations to counteract obstacles we face in our day-to-day lives.
My Message to You
Even if you may not look the way you once did or haven’t reached your goals, begin to envision yourself the way you want to be. See the person you are working towards, and, then, start to take steps in that direction (This is your meditation). Begin to see yourself through the eyes of God and not others. Your identity is in Christ. I like to tell the patients I work with: every decision you make is a step in one direction, either towards your goals or away from your goals. The goal is to take more steps toward your goal instead of away from it, and eventually, you will get to your destination. What direction are you stepping towards today? Where is your self-worth leading you?
