It’s the middle of the day and I am at work when my cell phone rings. I do not recognize the number on my caller ID.
“Hello? May I speak to Monette?” the voice on the line asks.
“This is Monette speaking.”
“Hi. This is Doctor Murray. I’m calling with the pathologist’s report. The test results came back malignant. You do have breast cancer.”
I am completely silent. I can hear the doctor calling out, “Hello? Hello? Monette? Monette?” But I cannot speak. In my heart I knew, even before the doctor called with my results, that I have breast cancer. Nonetheless, I want to believe otherwise. I walk away from my cubicle towards the lobby for more privacy. The hallway seems dark and I know that I am in trouble. As I try to hold myself up I feel as though I am falling. The tears come so hard and so suddenly that I cannot see clearly. I instantly believe I am going to die. Anxiety takes control of me and I can hear Doctor Murray repeating, “Hello? Hello? Are you there? I need you to come into the office right now. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?”
I am Sorry
I walk into the doctor’s office not knowing what is going on. Deeply, I am hoping that the pathologist has made a mistake—they have the wrong person. The administrative personnel know why I am crying. They all watch me as though recognizing the routine of how a patient reacts when they are diagnosed. “We are so sorry.” Their voices puncture my ears. “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.” I keep hearing the words and know that death is near. The doctor is so familiar with her trade that when I enter her office she already has a package of materials waiting for me to review. She sketches a breast on a sheet of white paper to demonstrate how she will remove the tumor.
Giving me my options, she says, “the size of your tumor is at .09 centimeters at stage one. The location is right below the nipple. I can make an incision around the areola, go in and remove the tissue—which is called a lumpectomy. Or you have a choice of removing the entire breast—a mastectomy—and having reconstruction surgery.”
I cannot see the doctor’s face or expressions. The room is cloudy and, strangely, all I can think to myself is how many people have been diagnosed with cancer? Is it so many people that they have cancer centers? Do doctors have enough patients to create entire cancer centers? I am completely out of touch with this illness. I just never thought it would be me. You never think it’s going to be you. And then it’s you.
I meet with the doctor for a pre-operation appointment to ask additional questions and go over any concerns. Knowing how important it is to be your own advocate when it comes to medical choices, I research as much as I can to understand breast cancer before meeting with the doctor. I wonder how any doctor in an industry that has so many cancer centers and patients can be compassionate. I want the best care possible for my diagnosis. If I don’t educate myself I will only have the doctor’s choices to rely on. I call three of my friends and ask them to join me at my pre-operation appointment. I explain to each one of them that they will be given a list of questions to ask the doctor and I will need the answers after my appointment. I can’t think! I can’t focus! I can’t believe this is happening to me!
I have been crying since this afternoon. Cancer! What is cancer? Why me? I ask these questions over and over again. How did I end up with breast cancer? I spent over fifteen years as a vegetarian, exercising and taking good care of myself. How did this happen?
I Decide to Fight
After being diagnosed in 2007 with breast cancer, I joined a cancer support group. The counselor handed me a journal and said, “I want you to document what you feel every day.” When she gave me the journal, I knew inside of me that it was going to change my life. Although something devastating had happened to me, I knew something positive would come out of it. I struggle like most people in this world, I am forever trying to figure out the “Why me?” Maybe this is my lesson: to learn, somehow, how to let go and release all the negative energies that have stagnated me for most of my life and stopped me from facing fear head on. As long as I continue to live, I need to figure out how to live. I was struggling as a single mom and it became a matter of where I wanted to go. Do I want to cry and be a victim or do I want to stand strong and live my life with courage? So the decision, at that point, was to be strong and stand with courage. I had no other choice but to keep living. I had no choice! So with that I started to contact my family to let them know what was going on in my life. I felt their sense of hurt and pain. I knew they were scared, but they would not allow me to be a victim. My mom was so strong in her convictions. She said to me, “I know who you are. You are my child and there is no way I am going to allow you to feel as though you are a victim in life. Get Up! Get Up! And fight!”
So with that, I continued to move quickly through this journey. Every day the value of life became clearer, and every day I learned that we must value how we live. Something about the threat and fear of death became life for me and I kept moving with courageous strides, pushing past every obstacle and circumstance to get where I am today.
From Traumatized to Transformed
What I understand today is that all life experiences are a spiritual mix we should use to serve as tools for our transformation. These experiences have helped me to value who I am in life. If I could go back in time, I would talk to the little girl I left behind. I would tell her to always love and respect herself and not worry about the things in life that didn’t matter. I have also come to the realization that until I change the world as I see it, the world will remain the same. My world will only change when I do. As I journey on with a clearer understanding, my willingness to make myself over has transformed into a source of power. Arriving at my decision to change didn’t take long; it was putting in the work that demanded my time, effort and commitment. We are all sharing this human condition and there is nothing really separating any of us from the bigger part of humanity. One thing I am certain of is if we don’t make the decisions about life, life will make the decisions for us.
When we focus on what we’ve gained over what we’ve lost due to life circumstances, we can then identify solutions to our problems. Sometimes negative experiences from our past cause us to become afraid to live life to its fullest. I decided to no longer feel sorry for myself and not be a victim. I am victorious because I accept all of me! I am confident that this new beginning is indeed going to command the very best life has to offer. We can’t take back the yesterdays. Yesterdays are gone forever, but we have been allowed to live another day while others have departed. We can’t afford to destroy or waste one day, because it can affect the last page of our lives. What price should we place on the hours of our lives, they are priceless and that’s why we have to make the journey worth it!
