From the beginning of time, man has pondered just who he is and what his purpose in life was to be. In that, I’m no different than anyone else. Unfortunately, bitter influences, name changes, negative comments, and opinions swayed my identity and self-esteem most of my life.
When I was little my life took an about-face turn from the idyllic life we all imagine for our children. Following is the first part of a poem I wrote in my 30s about that drastic change in my life.
When I was but a little tot
A Medusa came to me,
And fiercely hissed into my ear
“This ain’t your family.”
“You are not welcome, you are to blame
For all that we’ve been through,
We’ll show you that you don’t belong
We’ll punish your mom and dad through you.”
Its eyes were green with putrid pus
Its words fare dripped with hate,
As years went by its angry taunts
I pleaded to abate.
I wasn’t physically abused and for the times, in their own way, I was greatly loved by my grandparents, if not their children. However, little was known about the effects on young children deserted by their parents and the effects on their psyche when they are interposed with other family members who don’t exactly appreciate the imposition on their lives.
My last name was changed through adoption by my maternal grandparents at a time in my life when I was just discovering who I was and my identity and self-esteem as my birth parents’ daughter was strongly belittled by newly adopted siblings. Who I was born to be, and was quite content to be as an eight-year-old, was, in my mind, snatched away and replaced with someone else’s name and identity. Who I “had been” was no longer acceptable and played havoc with my own image of myself and set the tone for my identity struggle for the next forty-some odd years.
How does one overcome over 40 years of mental self-degradation when all that time you only want to be accepted as who you are – and then again, who are you really? Humanly, within myself, overcoming the past was not an option. Accepting my own “less-ness” only fueled the emptiness inside my heart. Even writing the poem some 30 years after the initial trauma didn’t resolve the pain and only encouraged me to delve deeper into self-deprecation. One of the definitions of self-esteem states it’s a belief in one’s own integrity. I’m pleased to say that area of my life is finally blooming. It’s only been since the stepping forward to lose weight under the Lord’s leadership that I have begun to discover how nifty Marilyn has always been. I now have more energy, more interest in exercising, and more excitement in what this body is capable of. I’m setting weekly goals and seeing the positive results when I keep them. I’m finally seeing and walking in the truth of what the Lord, through various coaches, has been trying to tell me all along.
The other day I decided to write down all the lies told to me that I have believed as truth for over 40 years and combat them with the truth. Accepting the truth into my life as the Lord revealed it to me is truly setting me free from my past.
LIES TRUTH
You were spoiled rotten. | I was a normal child, usually well-behaved. Didn’t throw tantrums or fits. |
You three got all the attention. | We were 3, 5, and 6 and deserted by our parents. How were we to stop that? |
You didn’t appreciate the sacrifice mom and dad gave to adopt you three. | Our parents left us; our whole world was traumatized, our identities ripped apart. How were we to appreciate that? |
You got whatever you wanted. We had to do without. | I never demanded anything. What was given to me was usually initiated by my grandmother. Older “siblings” were grown & gone by then. |
All you ever did was think about yourself. | Don’t most children? I had to be taught to think of others; that’s part of growing up. |
You were self-centered and rude. | And I was disciplined for that when it happened. I learned. |
You didn’t appreciate what our whole family did for you. | How was I to do that? I didn’t cause the problem; I was the victim too. |
You never showed mom you loved her. | I fixed her hair, did chores, bought her gifts, and loved her in my own way. |
You insisted on your own bedroom. | Only after being sexually assaulted by siblings. |
You were always causing problems. | I was thoughtful, helpful, kind to others, played well with others, cheerful, considerate and loving. |
You got to go to church camp. We didn’t. | Yes, and the Lord saved my soul there. When I returned home no one encouraged my new-found faith. |
You were very sarcastic and caustic as a teenager. | Yes, I was. Inner pain will do that to a person. I was hurting and didn’t know how to get help. Plus I was a teenager. Nuf said. |
In high school, it was all about you. | And mom told me she was very proud of my time as a drum major. I’m allowed to spread my wings and fly. |
You married against mom’s wishes, causing her great pain. | I married a man I deeply loved and love still. Mom grew to love him and blessed our marriage. Several times. |
You hurt this whole family by marrying a man we didn’t approve of after your first husband’s death. | I hurt part of the family and have asked forgiveness for the pain I caused. We’ve been married almost 20 years. Let it go. |
You are always the center of attention. | My personality draws people to me. It’s a gift from God. May He be honored by it. |
Your very existence brought unsettled disruption and pain to us. | As yours did mine. We’re even. |
The truth is: I’m a good person, tenderhearted, considerate, thoughtful of others, generous, have a great sense of humor and yet I’m a deep thinker.
I’m sensitive to: condemnation, implied put-downs, criticism veiled in compliments, sexism, and men lording themselves over women.
I love: the Lord, my immediate family, music, writing, reading, digging into the Word of God and have very precious dear friends.
I watched a video clip of myself the other night, filmed several months ago, and I realized, surprisingly, that I liked that person; she has dignity, confidence and sense of worth that went beyond her human abilities. She’s someone I would listen to if I needed a friend. No longer is she the child of her youth who felt belittled, scorned, put down, ridiculed, and worthless as a human being. How refreshing it is to honestly say that. I’m learning that more important than who I am and what I want to do with my life are the questions: who is the me that Jesus sees and what does He want me to do with my life?
I’m seeing the me that Jesus sees is truly wonderfully made, she’s sharp, she’s thoughtful of others, she’s generous, she’s creative, and is a unique encourager. She loves the Lord, her family, playing and directing music, writing, and gleaning life lessons from others. Get her in a soul-searching spiritual discussion and she’s excited to learn more.
How very thankful and grateful I am for those whom the Lord has placed in my life and have shown me the beauty He has placed within me. God has been so warmly patient with me. He’s opening my eyes and heart to see the possibilities ahead. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Wherever He leads me I believe the me that Jesus sees will be more and more alive and the me from the past, the me that rotten Medusa taunted and convinced was worthless is crucified in Christ and rising to new life in Him.
