It happens to every marriage. Sometimes it’s dramatic and heartbreaking, like an infidelity or gambling away the family savings. Sometimes it’s a fight over the in-laws’ visit, or money for a vacation, or the best way to put the baby to sleep at night. Every couple faces it: offenses. Words are said, actions are taken, and hurts run deep because the marriage is important to you. How could he do that to me? How could she say that to me? I thought God put us together, so why are we in this dark and hopeless place in our marriage? Today I want to share—from the perspective of the wife, the husband, and their counselor—the story of how one couple faced a major conflict and reconciled.
Celia’s story
This isn’t the first time that he has hurt me. I mean, there is a pattern here that you need to know about. When we first got married, he was bouncing checks and I was afraid to even write a check. I thought things had gotten better the last seven years, and now this! He took money out of our savings to invest in his uncle’s crazy business idea, and never told me. He knew I would never agree to it, but he did it anyway. And our relationship was already struggling before this; like this isn’t all we’ve faced. He sometimes looks at pornography, and he knows it really bothers me and I don’t think a Christian man should be doing that. I know He feels ashamed of it. Yet it makes me wonder if I can really admire, respect, and trust him if he’s keeping things from me. He never tells me about things he’s worried about. He just pretends everything is OK. I can tell they’re not. He’s irritable all the time. He’s too harsh with our son: he doesn’t need to be correcting him for just being a kid. I know things are hard for him, but they’re hard for me too. I just wish . . . I wish he would talk to me. I wish he would smile sometimes. I wish he hadn’t spent all that money on his uncle’s business! I wish he didn’t make me so angry! He hurt me, and I’m so tired of being hurt.
Dan’s story
Things aren’t very good between us. She’s focused on her own life: her work, our son, spending time with her friends and her family. Sometimes five days go by and I don’t even see her. It kind of feels like I’m losing her and, to be honest, sometimes I wonder if that’s not the best thing. Mostly I don’t want to lose her. We used to be so different. She used to look at me with love and care. She thought I was just the perfect person for her, and I felt the same about her. I wish we could just see that in each other. Well, for now I know I shouldn’t have invested in my uncle’s company without talking to her first. I apologized like ten times, and I really meant it. She doesn’t want to hear anything about it. I mean, we are Christians and we go to church every week so we should be forgiving of each other. I’m tired of this loneliness. I’m tired of taking care of our son all the time while she goes out with her friends or family. I wish she wanted to go out with me again. It hurts that she doesn’t want me anymore. No one wanted me as a kid; I thought things would be different in our family.
The Counselor
This couple has some significant struggles to address. They sound lonely, hurt and angry—feelings everyone can relate to.
There are three things I would want to focus on for this couple, to help them begin to repair their relationship:
Hope. First, they seem to have lost some hope for their future. Hope is essential in a relationship. There needs to be hope that if they try and approach their problems in a new way, they can survive these problems and even become more wise and caring toward each other. There needs to be hope that God will sustain and care for them in difficult times in their family. I’m worried that they don’t want to repair the relationship because they are losing Hope in their future. I have hope for them. The reason I have hope is they both are still longing for that loving relationship they wanted all their lives. They are angry, but they are attached to each other. They fell in love once and have sustained that love for over seven years, which is quite an accomplishment. As Dan said, he thought their family would be “different.” I think it still can be.
Apology. The second thing I think Dan and Celia will want to do is try and deal with the current situation. They should not just put this major offense behind them, but use it to become wiser and more expert at their relationship. While offenses like Dan’s hurt deeply, they are reconcilable. There are some things they can do to help reconcile.
1. First, Dan can ask if Celia is ready to hear his apology. He might have apologized to her before for the money or the pornography, but that doesn’t mean she was ready to listen. After an offense, most people need some time to recover from the shock.
2. When Dan apologizes he will want to make a clear, direct apology without any explanations. Explanations sound like excuses most of the time, even if not intended that way.
3. He should explain his understanding of how the offense has hurt and affected his wife. It helps to say something like, “I know this makes it hard for you to trust me. I know it reminds you of when I bounced checks when we first married. I know it drives more of a wedge between us when I have acted like we aren’t a team and I made decisions alone. I don’t want things to be like that between us. What else should I understand?” He will need to be willing to listen as she explains how this affected her.
4. Celia will need to clearly describe how it has affected her without attacking Dan’s character. She should stay focused on how she feels about this situation and avoid throwing in “the kitchen sink.” In her description above, she was beginning to throw in several other situations. While they may all be important, it can be overwhelming to try to repair every problem they have faced. If the couple can stay focused on repair and listen to each other, there is real hope for repair.
Reconcile. The third thing they need to do is repair the relationship and reconcile. Offenses like Dan’s are emotionally costly, as well as financially costly. After extending and receiving an apology, there are several ways to repair a relationship after an offense.
1. One way is to offer to remove the consequences of the offense, if possible. For instance, Dan might offer to talk with his uncle about getting some of the investment back, or he might offer to take an extra job or sell something personal to help replace some of the lost savings. This shows he is serious about repair.
2. Dan and Celia should also invest emotionally in the relationship to work toward being caring, tender and thoughtful. Just putting some thought and attention to the relationship can help repair the hurt.
3. Celia will need to work toward emotionally forgiving Dan. She might need to try and understand his irritability and dissatisfaction in life. She might need to remember that she also has done hurtful things in their relationship and needed forgiveness in the past. She might need to focus on God’s forgiveness and grace in her life to be able to forgive and extend grace to Dan. The Holy Spirit may need to help empower her to be gracious and forgiving. Dan doesn’t deserve forgiveness or grace from Celia. Yet, if she can offer it, then their relationship can begin to heal and reconcile.
Their relationship seems hopeful if they are willing to put effort into repair. Dan’s regret and reconciliatory actions show his change of heart. This creates an environment where Celia can begin to extend grace to Dan, and they can begin to soften and re-connect as a couple. They both will have to invest emotionally in repairing the relationship. They may need to accept that putting the offense behind them may take some time. If they have hope that the loving relationship they have longed for is possible, they can likely find a way to reconcile.
