Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). From the time I was young I enjoyed quiet time alone…to write, think, pray, dream, read, etc. I valued time to myself but lacked the understanding of true solitude. However, in 2001 I would be introduced to the wonders of silence and in that space I would meet a Man named Jesus who would take me on a journey of greater intimacy with Him that would both deepen my faith and widen my heart.
Ten years ago, I made a move to Pennsylvania for a job offer. It seemed ideal at the time. I would work with a good friend teaching kids God through the theatrical arts. It was my passion so I thought what could be more perfect than that? Prior to this move, I had recently lost my mother to diabetes, ended a 2 year relationship with someone I thought I might marry, and started experiencing some health issues. So when the job offer came I jumped at it, thinking this was the next phase in life after years of grief and loss. But within a few months of the move, the job fell through and the friendship fell apart. And for the first time in my life I was truly alone.
Broken Heart and Broken Dreams
Here I was in a new place with a broken heart and broken dreams…again. Yet this time without the comfort of family and friends nearby. I was thrust into a time of solitude I had not dictated for myself. Night after night doubled over in tears I would hear the Lord whisper to me, “Will you still love me when it hurts?” “Will you still love me when the things you thought you knew to do didn’t work out according to plan?” I couldn’t understand that if my steps were ordained by Him, as His Word said, why did I keep stumbling?
And for the first time I had reached a place in life where I was not only broken but shattered.
Then came Christ. I tell you…when you hear about Peter’s walking on the water experience, it doesn’t hold a candle to what your own experience of that water walk will look like. He took me out of my boat that was comprised of friends and art and asked me to step into a space large enough for just the two of us. And there began my “water walk” adding a new dimension to my faith and relationship with Him. He became my Friend out there in deep waters where sharks swim and storms form. I would often hear Him say, “Stay focused on me.” “Stay focused on me.” It’s as if he held my hands and kept whispering, “Now take another step…and another. I am going to guide you but you must keep your eyes on me.”
Finding God in the Silence
In this place of confusion, exhaustion, and hurt, I would find myself laying prostrate on the living room floor completely still and at His feet. In those moments, it didn’t matter if He spoke or not. I just needed to be in His presence. I needed to know He was near. I didn’t always have words or even tears. I just ached for Him in a way that was complete surrender and longing. There were days I would sit in silence and imagine myself curled up in His lap like mother and child or in this case Father and daughter. He would hold me rocking back and forth with comforting words of “I am here. I am here.” He became my El Shaddai.
I started to see Christ beyond the Divine examining His humanity. I became fascinated with the Man who would take time away from family, friends, disciples, the crowds to get to a place of solitude with His Father. I would imagine Him tired, energy drained, and completely still. I would sometimes wonder if He too sat as I did doubled over weeping…taking His pain to His Lord. I could picture Jesus at those moments eyes closed, looking up towards heaven uttering, “Abba Father” ready to listen or simply bask in the presence of the Holy One.
In my brokenness, I felt a new kinship to the life of Jesus. I felt myself breaking open. I began to wonder if that was how Christ felt dying on the cross. Alone, in silence and solitude without even the face of His Father, he was being broken open for all of us to enter. And in that moment He truly became my Savior.
I still experience times of silence and solitude yet with a greater reverence and understanding. Although it does not hurt any less, I am aware that once again my God is breaking my heart open to deepen and widen it just as Christ was broken open for me. And I am reminded that I am a beautiful piece of broken art in this unfolding story of Redemption and Salvation. And in those moments I simply look up toward heaven, eyes closed uttering, “Abba Father” and I am home safe in the presence that is Him.
