Many Christians never experience a wonderful sex life because they hold misguided beliefs about sex.
Countless Christian couples live either in sexual frustration or sexual guilt. Frustrated, they deny themselves certain desired sexual activities because they or their spouse deems them sinful. Others feel guilty because they participate in sexual activities that they or their spouse feel are wrong. While it is true that some sexual activities are sinful, many sexual acts that Christians label as wrong are not wrong from God’s perspective but only from the perspective of manmade interpretations. Therefore, sexual frustrations and guilt may not exist because of God’s rules; they may come from rules made by religious people.
Christian “sexual myths” run rampant. While space prohibits me from addressing them all, I ask that you consider three.
First Myth – Religious Restrictions Hamper Great Sex
Though I study sexology and speak for churches across America about marriage, relationships, and, yes, when requested, sex, I doubt I could list all the “cannots” and “do nots” various Christians place on sexual behavior. The prohibitive lists differ by geography, denomination, and age group.
Refusing to be limited by rules or inhibitions manufactured by people, many years ago I decided to discover what God says about sex. Working through the Old and New Testaments, I searched for every sexual sin or prohibition listed in the Scriptures. I found such things as adultery, rape, prostitution, incest, sex outside of marriage, same-gender sex, lusting after someone to whom you are not married, sex during the menstrual period (an Old Testament teaching), and bestiality. In addition, though not specifically sexual, I feel that the New Testament teaching about caring for our body as God’s temple – meaning, not harming our bodies – is a prohibition against certain sexual acts.
As I summarized and categorized, the prohibitions became simple:
- Have sex only within marriage; do not involve anyone other than your spouse, neither in reality nor fantasy.
- Do not involve an animal.
- Do not do anything that harms you or your spouse physically, mentally, or spiritually.
Within those parameters rest myriad sexual activities that a Christian couple may enjoy if they so wish. They have the right to enjoy all of each other’s bodies, to play and have fun, and to try new and differing positions and scenarios limited only by their imagination.
In live events, I answer written questions from the audience about specifics such as sexual toys and specific sexual acts. In this article, may I simply say this: Relax, drop your inhibitions, and enjoy great sex (as long as it does not violate the three principles given above.)
Second Myth – One Cannot Be Highly Spiritual and Sexual
God expects us to be sexual. Actually, He requires it of married couples.
Paul wrote, “Each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (I Corinthians 7:2-5).
In that passage, Paul labels sex as a “marital duty” and emphatically states that married couples should regularly make love. He said that if they do not make love, it should only be for a limited time, and during that time, they should pray to avoid temptation. He commanded spiritual people to be highly sexual in their marriages because God made us sexual beings and expects us to be sexual beings.
If anyone has the right to enjoy ultimate sensuality and relish a loving sexual experience with our spouses, it is those of us who are God’s children.
Christians should discover comfort in their sexuality and live it to the fullest in their marriages. God has lavished upon us the gift of great sex.
Third Myth – Sexual Boredom in Marriage is Natural
Well, to be honest, this one actually is true . . . but it does not have to be.
Sexual boredom results from sexual habituation. This means that because of their repeated sexual interactions with each other, spouses no longer find sex as stimulating. Sexual habituation tends to set in about the third year of marriage. Rather than seeking ways to make sex more exciting, most couples devolve into a pattern of making love less often and subside into redundant sexual behaviors. Both frequency and repertoire decrease. When that happens, one or both partners eventually grow bored.
Of course, sexual habituation affects everyone, not just Christians, but aspects of Christian myths about sex make it more difficult for Christians to break the pattern.
Experimentation with new sexual activities and scenarios empowers couples to overcome sexual habituation and its subsequent boredom.
Though there is an art to successful experimentation, time limits me here to one suggestion. Changing sexual boredom to sexual stimulation requires open, honest, and transparent sexual communication. Each spouse must feel free (and safe) to share sexual frustrations, desires, and dreams. However, for this exploration to occur, each spouse must know that they will not be judged, reprimanded, or rejected.
Many couples experience some discomfort when they become transparent about their sexual feelings and desires, but more difficulty ensues when a spouse has embedded sexual prohibitions provided by their religion. Often I have heard Christians say things such as, “I can’t tell my wife what I really want to try because she’ll think I’m wanting to do something sinful. She’ll not only say no, she’ll push me away and want nothing to do with me.” Or, “If we talk openly about what we want to try, he might say something that I will think is wrong, but because he asked, I’ll feel guilty if I don’t do it. See why I don’t want that kind of openness talking about sex? I’ll feel guilty if I do and guilty if I don’t. The easiest way is just to avoid it.” Or even, “I know what he wants and, to tell the truth, I want it, too. But I’ve been taught it’s wrong. I’ve avoided it but I don’t know what will happen if we talk about it. I may wind up doing it, liking it, and then feeling guilty because of it.”
For these Christians, sex is not boring simply because of sexual habituation; it is boring because they fear exploring new and stimulating sexuality because of the prohibitions forced on them by the views of some people within their religion.
Christians should have great sex lives. We should enjoy our sexuality and sensuality. We should overcome unenlightened prohibitions and any resulting inhibitions. We have the right to enjoy this wonderful thing called sex that is inherent in the way God created us.
If you wish to know more, invite me to your church or organization to present our Love, Sex & Marriage seminar. You may contact us at info@JoeBeam.com.
Additionally, we conduct powerful three-day turnaround workshops for marriages in crisis. If you wish my organization to assist you in getting the help you need for your marriage, please call us toll free at 866-903-0990. We will listen and we will help if we can.
