I’m a talker by nature. As a child, my father would say, “This is my daughter, Beth. She has a speech impediment—she has to breathe.” I grew up in the Quaker tradition, so I was used to worship including extended periods of silence. It was not a natural fit, or so I thought.
Later, I found the Episcopal Church. I loved the prayers. I loved the music. I didn’t miss the silence, but I kept meeting people who prayed in silence or went on silent retreats. They knew about Christians throughout the centuries who had found grace and the presence of God in the prayer of self-emptying. It was not what they said that piqued my interest; I was drawn to the peace they radiated. It made me curious. I wanted what they had.
So, I went on my first silent retreat. I met with the Episcopal nun assigned to me for the weekend. Sister Elsie encouraged me to pray in silence with a passage of scripture. She told me to imagine myself as Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane before his death. If you know the story, you know the disciples he invited to accompany him fell asleep– more than once.
I sat in the chapel in silence. I closed my eyes and entered the scene. I even took Sister Elsie’s advice and imagined myself as Jesus. This seemed a bit presumptuous on a number of levels. Who was I to pretend to be Jesus? I wished she’d assigned me the part of sleepy disciple, but I stuck so I let the silence guide me. I gradually felt myself so involved in the scene that I could actually feel the gravel beneath my fingers as I prayed for the cup I had to drink to pass from my lips.
At the end of my prayer time, it was clear that something had shifted deep within me. I felt more deeply connected to my need for Jesus. There was something in the offering up of his humanity, including his sadness and frustration, that has opened me up to God ever since.
Recently my father was diagnosed with a serious neurological condition. I discovered there was a fifty percent chance that I had inherited it. After much time in silence, I finally decided to be tested. Before I entered the room to get the results, I spent more time in silence before the Lord. I needed to be prepared for the good or the bad. I saw myself in that same garden with Jesus, and I knew I was not alone. I was ready then, regardless of the outcome. The results were better than I could have hoped for !
