On an early October morning, I found myself tossing and turning. Although I was physically tired, I could not manage to sleep more than one hour at a time.Finally, I sat up in the bed and asked myself, “Why are you so uneasy?”
I did have a long, exhausting day at work. From briefings on the drought in the Horn of Africa, to strategizing solutions to help the millions of children being orphaned by HIV/AIDS, to participating in various conference calls on issues of poverty, justice and human transformation-the day was heavy. Although I didn’t have an exact answer for my restlessness, somehow I knew it was not work related.
As I took deep breaths in and out and tapped into my innermost thoughts, I realized that my anxiety was not related to the poverty and disaster around the world. Nor, was I stressed about my 27 hour work load crammed into one day. I wasn’t worrying about relationships with family members, or how to take off the ten pounds I had gained. I couldn’t sleep because I was beginning to feel lonely, misunderstood and disappointed. And, it all started from a trip to my local grocery store.
You may be asking, “What does grocery store shopping have to do with feelings of loneliness?” The next time you visit your local retailer, you will begin to understand my plight. Holiday decorations are everywhere! There are also plenty of images of happy families around the dinner table, love-struck men “putting a ring on it,” and beautiful women dressed up for a night out on the town. While these images are meant to inspire feelings of holiday cheer, they only conjured up internal feelings of holiday loneliness. So, my October sleepless night was in part due to my grocery store run for Splenda and bottled water. My confrontation with manufactured happy left me feeling miserable.
If you are like me, and are beginning to feel a bit anxious because the holiday season is approaching, don’t despair. Through trial and error, great counseling, and hundreds of conversations with really bright people, I have learned to survive, even emotionally thrive during the holidays and ward off holiday loneliness. A few of my tips are below.
Acknowledge your feelings (Just don’t get stuck)
It is perfectly normal to experience some feelings of disconnection during the holidays. If you’ve recently lost a loved one or ended a significant relationship, these feelings can be intensified. If you have a “thick skin,” or consider yourself emotionally and spiritually mature, you tend to brush off these feelings. But, allowing yourself to feel what you feel can be quite therapeutic. The key is to not get stuck in pity party mode. Acknowledge your unfulfilled desires as a first step in moving past disappointment and towards your preferred future. Learn to manage negative emotions and stress with prayer, meditation, positive self talk, exercise, and healthy eating. Practice reframing, focusing on the positive things in life and maintaining proper perspective on what really counts.
Don’t believe the hype
During the holidays, we are bombarded with images that are designed to illicit feelings of kinship. The reason– “the more people we are connected to, the more gifts we” will buy! Commercials, movies and television programming would have us believe that we are supposed to spend our nights cuddled in front of a fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa in our hands, our soul mate in our arms and Sparky wagging his tail at our feet. Be careful not to buy into the image of perfection being portrayed. Remind yourself that the images you see are airbrushed versions of the real (complicated) thing. No family or situation is perfectly joyous.
More times than not, you must intentionally find joy in imperfect situations.
Appreciate who you have
Most of us do not live in complete isolation. We discount the relationships we do have, because our energy is focused on that one relationship we don’t have. Take time to appreciate the people in your life. Express gratitude for the grandmothers that do cook the turkeys you love to eat, the co-worker who every year without fail buys you a tub of flavored popcorn, the doorman who sends you an annual fruit basket, the “friend” who always takes your calls and listens patiently as you complain that you have nobody to talk to. Be more present with the people who are with you day in and day out and use the holidays as a time to strengthen those bonds.
Use your time wisely
During the holiday season, many people take time off from work. Don’t waste these days sitting and moping. Use the time off to really deepen your spiritual walk through extended prayer, meditation, study, and service. Also, use those days to do all those things you’ve been meaning to do! For months, you’ve been saying if you had more time, you would work in your garden, visit those friends across town, try out that new restaurant, volunteer at the senior center, learn to ballroom dance, etc. Now is the time to do it! The added benefit is you will find yourself in new social circles which provide greater opportunities to make new friends.
Love you. Enjoy being with you
There is a biblical passage that says you should love your neighbor as yourself. At the most basic level, this means you can only love others to the degree you love yourself. This means, if you struggle with esteem issues, now is the time to discover and uncover all the wonderful, amazing, unique things about you! Look in the mirror and affirm your assets. Make a list of your strengths. Ask others to comment on what they like about you. The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you will attract like souls and be able to reciprocate genuine love and friendship. Also, enjoy being with you! Don’t neglect doing the things that you enjoy because you are a solo act. Decorate the Christmas tree. Bake cookies. Go to the movies. Pull out the bowling ball, ice skate and/or ski. Don’t wait until ‘some day’ in the future to enjoy what you can today. Life is just too short.
Take action to be a part of the action
Have you ever secretly wanted to be invited to a holiday gathering or party, but never told a soul? This holiday season, don’t sit at home alone wishing you were a part of the action. Take action. The truth is, you may be so bubbly and outgoing that people assume you already have holiday plans. On the other hand, you could be so introverted that people don’t know how to approach you. Therefore, be more assertive about expressing your desire to be socially engaged. Let family and friends know that you are open to all invitations. Tell your co-workers that you would love to attend after work events. Send a text to colleagues asking them to pass along information about galas and banquets. Read and respond to facebook invites. Even if you have to go alone, make an effort to show up. You might just have the time of your life!
Don’t chase good feelings
During the holidays, we typically feel more pressure to look good and feel good. Unfortunately, some people chase this feeling inappropriately by using drugs and alcohol. You may think you are off the hook because you are not a “user,” but you run into just as much trouble when you abuse food or engage in casual sex. Comfort foods are only comforting for a minute. They eventually lead to belly fat. And, casual sex is never casual. It creates more baggage than you are probably prepared to carry.
When you feel vulnerable, engage in productive activities that contribute to your well-being. Choose an apple over apple pie. Have a great cup of coffee instead of a glass of cognac. Reach out to a true friend, instead of propositioning a casual acquaintance for a fleeting moment of false intimacy. When you do feel tempted to take the easy road to bliss, just remember that the holidays will be over as quickly as they come. The decisions you make over those months could last a lifetime.
Give away what you want the most
If you truly desire to be connected and engaged during the holidays, be that for someone else. Channel any feelings of unfulfilled desires into something productive. Volunteer at your local soup kitchen. Join a small group at church. Visit your elderly neighbor who craves conversation. Take that shy cousin out for dinner and dancing. Send that family member who always sacrifices for someone else a really special gift. Make an unexpected visit to your parents. You know they want the present of your presence. Book your plane ticket today! Get your mind off of your own needs and wants and give yourself away. You might be surprised what you get in return.
Have faith
If your feelings of disappointment, discontentment and loneliness stem from not having a life partner, keep hope alive. There is a due season for everything. Each time I meet a married couple, I ask them to tell me the story of how they met. I am always surprised, yet comforted to know that boy meets girl in both the most unusual circumstances and in the most common places. Your story will be no different. Believe that God has a plan for you and it is a good plan. Believe that God wants to prosper you and not harm you, to give you a hope and a future. Believe that God created you to be in relationship with others and there are always opportunities to do so. Have faith and know your time for hand holding, gift exchanging, and mistletoe mischief will come. You have may spent the past five Christmas Eve nights roasting marshmallows alone. But, it could all change with one smile to the person in front of you in the Wal Mart check out line.
